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• Dinner: “Mystery Soup.” Any vegetables about to go bad, plus broth, plus one surprise ingredient (last night: a single marshmallow). Served in a mug. Eaten while watching Taskmaster or old clips of Pee-wee’s Playhouse.
• Household Chores: Rebranded as “Silly Quests.” Folding laundry is “The Great Fabric Taming.” Washing dishes is “Plate Baptism.” Each chore earns a sticker on a chart. Ten stickers = permission to buy a new absurd fridge magnet.